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Hephaestus (Vulcan) 5843 Views
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Description:
Would you like to be immortal? We expected as much. But how about ifyou were ugly and your mother tossed you out of your home, giving you a limp for all eternity? Yeah, bet living forever doesn't sound so great under those conditions.
Transcript
- 00:05
Hephaestus, a la Shmoop.
- 00:07
My name is Hephaestus, and my life...sucks.
- 00:11
"Whatevs," you mortals probably say. "You're the god of fire, volcanoes, and blacksmiths.
- 00:16
You've got a sweet deal."
- 00:18
Oh, if only it were that simple...
Full Transcript
- 00:20
First of all, I'm ugly.
- 00:22
Fugly.
- 00:23
I don't mind saying it, because it's true.
- 00:25
I mean... look at this mug. I've stopped even bothering to look in mirrors.
- 00:29
Makes it tough to get ready in the morning... when you crack them all the time.
- 00:33
If that weren't bad enough, I'm also short...
- 00:35
Lumpy...
- 00:36
And I walk with a limp. You think it's easy being an ugly god?
- 00:39
Well, it's not.
- 00:40
Especially when every day on Mount Olympus is like a
- 00:43
coed version of America's Next Top Model.
- 00:47
So there you have it.
- 00:48
I may be the god of fire and volcanoes, but I'm not... smokin' hot.
- 00:52
Nobody's sure why I got hit with the ugly stick. I just came out that way.
- 00:56
Even my mother Hera, Queen of the Gods, was grossed out by me when I was born.
- 01:02
She was actually so disgusted by me that she tossed me off of Mt. Olympus.
- 01:05
Yeah, you heard that right.
- 01:08
My mother threw my infant body off of a mountain.
- 01:11
Luckily, gods are made of tougher stuff than you puny mortals...
- 01:14
...so when I crash-landed on the isle of Lemnos <<LEM-nose>>, I survived.
- 01:19
Some say my fall from Olympus is the reason why I've got this stupid limp.
- 01:23
So not only did my Mom abandon me, she crippled me for the rest of my immortal life.
- 01:29
Luckily, the gorgeous nymphs of Lemnos aren't as superficial and well...
- 01:32
let's just say "unkind"... as my Mom.
- 01:34
The nymphs raised me lovingly on Lemnos, and I somehow managed to build back my self-esteem.
- 01:39
Eventually, I built my famous forge inside of a volcano on Lemnos.
- 01:43
Before you knew it, everybody was talking about my awesome creations.
- 01:47
Some of my greatest hits include the indestructible armor of Achilles.
- 01:52
Though it probably would've worked out better for Achilles if I'd
- 01:54
made him a set of indestructible boots to go with it...
- 01:58
But hey, sandals were the style back then.
- 02:01
I also single-handedly invented the idea of the "pimped out ride"
- 02:05
when I made Helios the sun god's fiery chariot.
- 02:08
Even though life was getting better, I never got over how my Mom dissed me.
- 02:11
And therapy isn't cheap...
- 02:13
To get her back, I forged a beautiful golden throne.
- 02:16
Uh...what's the catch?
- 02:17
Well, Hera eventually realized that she could never get up from the throne again.
- 02:22
Think about how torturous it got when she had to pee,
- 02:24
and couldn't make it to... her other throne.
- 02:28
Eventually, the other gods convinced me to let her go, though.
- 02:31
Mom and I made peace...sort of...
- 02:33
and she even tolerated me coming up to Olympus once in a while.
- 02:36
Things were looking up.
- 02:37
Even though I was the ugliest god, I ended up marrying Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty.
- 02:43
Only in Hollywood, right?
- 02:45
A lot of gods were actually whispering that Zeus forced her into marrying me.
- 02:49
Could be.
- 02:50
Like pretty much every arranged marriage ever, mine lacked a little heat. OK, a lot of heat.
- 02:55
But I still couldn't keep my hands off of her.
- 02:58
The trouble was... she couldn't keep her hands off of everybody else.
- 03:01
Besides finding plenty of hints on the men's room walls of Olympus,
- 03:04
I also got a tip from my old buddy Helios.
- 03:07
The sun god told me that my wife had been sneaking around with the war god, Ares.
- 03:11
When I heard this, I really blew my top. So it was time once again for revenge.
- 03:15
Since a piece of trick furniture worked so well with Mom, I figured I'd try it again.
- 03:20
The next time Ares and Aphrodite spent some time together in my golden bed,
- 03:26
they were surprised when an inescapable golden net trapped them in their skivvies.
- 03:30
To shame them, I called all the gods to see them naked together.
- 03:33
It was then that it struck me.
- 03:35
Wasn't I just showing everybody exactly how pathetic I really was?
- 03:39
So, there you have it, mortals.
- 03:41
Being a god isn't everything it's cracked up to be.
- 03:44
And being ugly sucks just as much up here on Mount Olympus as it does on Earth.
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