Music sounds within. Enter Pandarus and Paris’s Servingman. PANDARUS Friend, you, pray you, a word. Do you not follow the young Lord Paris? MAN Ay, sir, when he goes before me. PANDARUS You depend upon him, I mean. MAN Sir, I do depend upon the Lord. 5 PANDARUS You depend upon a notable gentleman. I must needs praise him. MAN The Lord be praised! PANDARUS You know me, do you not? MAN Faith, sir, superficially. 10 PANDARUS Friend, know me better. I am the Lord Pandarus. MAN I hope I shall know your Honor better. PANDARUS I do desire it. MAN You are in the state of grace? 15 PANDARUS Grace? Not so, friend. “Honor” and “Lordship” are my titles. What music is this? MAN I do but partly know, sir. It is music in parts. PANDARUS Know you the musicians? MAN Wholly, sir. 20 PANDARUS Who play they to? MAN To the hearers, sir. PANDARUS At whose pleasure, friend? MAN At mine, sir, and theirs that love music. PANDARUS Command, I mean, friend. 25 MAN Who shall I command, sir? PANDARUS Friend, we understand not one another. I am too courtly and thou art too cunning. At whose request do these men play? MAN That’s to ’t indeed, sir. Marry, sir, at the request of 30 Paris my lord, who is there in person; with him the mortal Venus, the heart blood of beauty, love’s visible soul. PANDARUS Who, my cousin Cressida? MAN No, sir, Helen. Could not you find out that by her 35 attributes? PANDARUS It should seem, fellow, that thou hast not seen the Lady Cressid. I come to speak with Paris from the Prince Troilus. I will make a complimental assault upon him, for my business seethes. 40 MAN Sodden business! There’s a stewed phrase indeed. | At Priam's palace, Pandarus chats with a servant while he waits to see Paris. The servant says that Paris is relaxing and listening to some music with "the mortal Venus, the heart-blood of beauty, love's invisible soul." (In other words, move over Angelina Jolie because Helen is the sexiest woman alive. At least in this play.) Pandarus is all "whatever, have you seen my niece Cressida? She's way hotter than Helen." |
Enter Paris and Helen with Attendants. PANDARUS Fair be to you, my lord, and to all this fair company! Fair desires in all fair measure fairly guide them!—Especially to you, fair queen, fair thoughts be your fair pillow! 45 HELEN Dear lord, you are full of fair words. PANDARUS You speak your fair pleasure, sweet queen.—Fair prince, here is good broken music. PARIS You have broke it, cousin, and, by my life, you shall make it whole again; you shall piece it out 50 with a piece of your performance. HELEN He is full of harmony. PANDARUS Truly, lady, no. HELEN O, sir— PANDARUS Rude, in sooth; in good sooth, very rude. 55 PARIS Well said, my lord; well, you say so in fits. PANDARUS I have business to my lord, dear queen.— My lord, will you vouchsafe me a word? HELEN Nay, this shall not hedge us out. We’ll hear you sing, certainly. 60 PANDARUS Well, sweet queen, you are pleasant with me.—But, marry, thus, my lord: my dear lord and most esteemed friend, your brother Troilus— HELEN My Lord Pandarus, honey-sweet lord— PANDARUS Go to, sweet queen, go to—commends himself 65 most affectionately to you— HELEN You shall not bob us out of our melody. If you do, our melancholy upon your head! PANDARUS Sweet queen, sweet queen, that’s a sweet queen, i’ faith— 70 HELEN And to make a sweet lady sad is a sour offence. PANDARUS Nay, that shall not serve your turn, that shall it not, in truth, la. Nay, I care not for such words, no, no.—And, my lord, he desires you that if the King call for him at supper, you will make his 75 excuse. HELEN My Lord Pandarus— PANDARUS What says my sweet queen, my very, very sweet queen? PARIS What exploit’s in hand? Where sups he tonight? 80 HELEN Nay, but, my lord— PANDARUS What says my sweet queen? My cousin will fall out with you. HELEN, to Paris You must not know where he sups. PARIS I’ll lay my life, with my disposer Cressida. 85 PANDARUS No, no, no such matter; you are wide. Come, your disposer is sick. PARIS Well, I’ll make ’s excuse. PANDARUS Ay, good my lord. Why should you say Cressida? No, your poor disposer’s sick. 90 PARIS I spy. PANDARUS You spy? What do you spy?—Come, give me an instrument. An Attendant gives him an instrument. Now, sweet queen. HELEN Why, this is kindly done. 95 PANDARUS My niece is horribly in love with a thing you have, sweet queen. HELEN She shall have it, my lord, if it be not my Lord Paris. PANDARUS He? No, she’ll none of him. They two are 100 twain. HELEN Falling in after falling out may make them three. PANDARUS Come, come, I’ll hear no more of this. I’ll sing you a song now. 105 | Now Paris and Helen enter the room with a bunch of servants. Pandarus falls all over himself flattering her, despite the fact that he just said she wasn't all that. Helen's not buying any of Pandarus's business. She cracks a few sarcastic comments about what a wanna-be smooth talker he is. Finally, Pandarus delivers a message from Troilus, who says he's sorry but he can't make it to dinner that night. Helen and Paris are all "Gee, we wonder where Troilus is going to be tonight. Is he going to be hooking up with Cressida?" Pandarus denies this and tries to change the subject. |
HELEN Ay, ay, prithee. Now, by my troth, sweet lord, thou hast a fine forehead. PANDARUS Ay, you may, you may. HELEN Let thy song be love. “This love will undo us all.” O Cupid, Cupid, Cupid! 110 PANDARUS Love? Ay, that it shall, i’ faith. PARIS Ay, good now, “Love, love, nothing but love.” PANDARUS In good troth, it begins so. Love, love, nothing but love, still love, still more! For, O, love’s bow 115 Shoots buck and doe. The shaft confounds Not that it wounds But tickles still the sore. These lovers cry “O ho!” they die, 120 Yet that which seems the wound to kill Doth turn “O ho!” to “Ha ha he!” So dying love lives still. “O ho!” awhile, but “Ha ha ha!” “O ho!”groans out for “ha ha ha!”—Hey ho! 125 HELEN In love, i’ faith, to the very tip of the nose. PARIS He eats nothing but doves, love, and that breeds hot blood, and hot blood begets hot thoughts, and hot thoughts beget hot deeds, and hot deeds is love. PANDARUS Is this the generation of love? Hot blood, 130 hot thoughts, and hot deeds? Why, they are vipers. Is love a generation of vipers? Sweet lord, who’s afield today? PARIS Hector, Deiphobus, Helenus, Antenor, and all the gallantry of Troy. I would fain have armed today, 135 but my Nell would not have it so. How chance my brother Troilus went not? HELEN He hangs the lip at something.—You know all, Lord Pandarus. PANDARUS Not I, honey sweet queen. I long to hear how 140 they sped today.—You’ll remember your brother’s excuse? PARIS To a hair. PANDARUS Farewell, sweet queen. HELEN Commend me to your niece. 145 PANDARUS I will, sweet queen. He exits. Sound a retreat. PARIS They’re come from the field. Let us to Priam’s hall To greet the warriors. Sweet Helen, I must woo you To help unarm our Hector. His stubborn buckles, With these your white enchanting fingers touched, 150 Shall more obey than to the edge of steel Or force of Greekish sinews. You shall do more Than all the island kings: disarm great Hector. HELEN ’Twill make us proud to be his servant, Paris. Yea, what he shall receive of us in duty 155 Gives us more palm in beauty than we have, Yea, overshines ourself. PARIS Sweet, above thought I love thee. They exit. | Helen flirts/bullies Pandarus into entertaining her by singing a mildly dirty love song about Cupid's "shaft" and "dying" love. (In Elizabethan literature, "dying" = orgasm, so we'd probably give this song a PG-13.) Paris and Helen torment Pandarus by talking about "hot blood" (lust) and "hot deeds" (sex). This totally fake-embarrasses Pandarus, who leaves. Helen is all, "See ya later Pandarus. Say 'hi' to your pretty niece for me!" The A-List couple decide to go greet the warriors returning from the battlefield. Paris turns to Helen and says something flirty like, "Honey, I need you to do me a big favor. Can you use your 'enchanting fingers' to undress Hector? The poor guy has a really hard time taking off his armor." Okay, Paris. Whatever turns you on. Helen chuckles seductively and says she'd be "proud to be his servant." |