Relationship Manager

  

Categories: Banking

It's sad that adults, especially highly trained Wall Street people, actually need these. But they do.

A relationship manager exists inside of a stock brokerage (usually) just to be sure everybody's happy. Why? Because most of the services that brokerages provide these days are absolute commodities, provide-able by almost anyone with a basic license and modest amounts of capital. So, at the end of the day, the buy side can choose to trade with any broker they want, and pay commissions to any broker they want. The commissions are almost always the same, the services almost always the same. So having a good relationship for the year-end determination by Santa Buy Side to figure out who's been naughty and who's been nice...is a process quarterbacked by the relationship manager.

"Are we doin' ok?" "Do we make you happy?" "Did we have you at 'hello'?" That's what they do for a living, along with setting up tee times and adventure bonding trips when and where that's still legal to do. And you must ask yourself what this person did in a previous life to end up having such a difficult job in this one.

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What is a merchant bank? Well there's the theoretical manner

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payment options escrow currency hedges and other means of spraying wd-40 on the [merchant bank holding escrow papers]

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international tracts when American corporations did business with merchants [WD40 sprayed on train tracks]

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from other countries well the basic idea then was that a merchant bank lived and [foreign merchants shaking hands]

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breathed the banking international transaction universe and knew every [banks play pong across world map]

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trick in the book when dealing with shady countries who had hoped that they

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thousand yellow and orange rubber duckies with the squeaky sound thingies [rubber duckies getting squeezed in the tub]

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yeah and then somehow abscond without paying well the duck seller was schooled

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in molding rubber they were not schooled in international financial transactions

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to deal with international escrow complexities far beyond their core skill

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and the way they hired them is basically the merchant bank would discount the

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bill that was owed to them and pay that money in cash in American u.s. dollars [money changing hands]

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to that American corporation and the bank would then be responsible for [bank choking international seller]

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collecting the full price and that spread between the full bill and what

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they paid the American company was how they made money well in the process of

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being deep in both the strategic operations of companies in the US and in

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into more or less one flavor or another of an investment bank helping clients [merchant bank bulding turns into investment bank]

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sell debt and equity and other money raising devices so that they could

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continue selling ducks or rakes or tractors or lawn flamingo's yeah those [rubber duckies floating by]

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are cute in the modern incarnation of merchant banks while many are actually [merchant bank throws bags of money to businessman]

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able to not just advise but invest in the companies to whom they are close all

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